by John Ellis
If you are a new parent, you should be terrified! Raising your new baby is a one-shot deal, and, statistically speaking, you are going to mess that one shot up. Every choice you make from here on out is going to help determine whether your cute baby will end up as a CEO of a Fortune 500 Company or sporting a face tattoo while doing time in a federal penitentiary. Considering that there are far more people sporting face tattoos inside of federal penitentiaries than there are who are CEO’s of Fortune 500 Companies, there is a much, much greater likelihood that your new baby is going to end up a felon rather than a CEO. Thankfully, I’m here to help.
The previous paragraph, of course, is mostly a lie. Everyone knows that face tattoos are no longer considered cool in prison.
Seriously, though, raising children is mostly idiot-proof. Kids are resilient, and most parents figure it out while learning from their mistakes. And all parents make mistakes. Besides, you don’t really want your child to grow up to be a CEO of a Fortune 500 Company. If they do, they will be far too busy to ever visit Mom and Dad. Granted, Mom and Dad will be in the nicest old folk’s home that the CEO-child’s money can buy.
Stating that raising children is mostly idiot proof does not mean that there aren’t some common sense things that parents should do; nor does it mean that the choices of parents don’t affect the development of their children, both physically and cognitively. For example, allowing your young children to stay up late at night has an adverse effect on their growth, both physically and cognitively. The same can be said about not making your kids eat their fruits and veggies. And not quickly changing your new baby’s dirty diaper will result in a painful rash, incredibly fussy baby, and even less sleep for the parents. Like I said, a lot of common sense stuff.
Beyond the common sense stuff that parents since Adam and Eve figured out without mommy blogs, there are also, well, mommy blogs. Advice abounds online about swaddling, the correct way to liquefy quinoa, and the exact amount of GMO tainted food that if “accidentally” consumed will cause your child to struggle with learning Latin. And never ever allow your child to play at another child’s house, unless, of course, you know for a fact that the other family raises chickens in their backyard, eats sugarless ketchup, and has banned
fun TV. And I want to add to that advice.
Humbly, I submit my daddy blogging debut – the albums to play your infant in order to help keep her from liking bro country or Taylor Swift when she is a teenager. Trust me, this matters far more than making sure that your properly swaddled kid eats organic kale nurtured to life by the tears of locally-sourcing hippies.
Protecting your quickly growing infant from the scourge of mindless pop music may be a Quixotic task, but the effort is necessary. Otherwise, in roughly fifteen years, you’re definitely going to find yourself cursing the name of Ryan Seacrest, at concerts featuring lip-synching divas, and contemplating destroying all music playing devices in your house. Do you really want to find yourself at a concert featuring the future version of Justin Bieber while your precious daughter who was cute as a baby but is now an insufferable and mindless teenager with fake and inappropriately placed tattoos weeps uncontrollably at the sight of an effeminate man-child? Of course you don’t. Hence, the following list. Play these albums while your sweet baby naps. To be safe, make sure that music from the following albums are serenading your cute infant while she gurbles food down her tiny gullet. And, whatever you do, make sure that your tiny, impressionable baby never hears the opening bars of “Put a Ring On It.”
Kind of Blue – Miles Davis
Your precious baby needs jazz in her life. And she needs good jazz in her life. And there may be no better way to introduce her to one of American’s greatest aesthetic contributions than with possibly the greatest jazz album of all time.
Remain In Light – Talking Heads
The musically ethnic diversity of this album will help keep your baby from gravitating towards the bland, commercialized pop music of today that can trace its lineage to the rip-off New Wave albums released not long after Remain In Light. To that end, your baby should not be exposed to much of the popular music of the 80s that was released after the Talking Heads’ masterpiece. That may seem counterintuitive considering the nostalgic love for 80s music, but 80s music was mostly terrible and laid the foundation for One Direction and Adele.
American IV (The Man Comes Around) – Johnny Cash
Making sure that your baby is inundated with the man in black will inoculate her from the allure of bro country (think Jason Aldean, Blake Shelton, and Florida Georgia Line). American IV is Johnny Cash at his most man in blackness.
Let It Be – The Replacements
You want your child to be introduced to underground music, but not too underground. If you’re not careful here, you run the risk of your precious baby girl discovering Jaw Box, Big Black, and Bikini Kill. If that happens, Justin Bieber is going to appear downright desirable. The Replacements will help instill a hatred of mainstream pop culture but without causing her to want to set her house on fire while her parents (you) are still inside.
The Joshua Tree – U2
One of the greatest albums from one of the greatest bands of all time will introduce your infant daughter to the best of pop music. It’s like training bank tellers to recognize counterfeit money by only allowing them to handle real money. If your child grows up listening to The Joshua Tree, Clear Channel will have a harder time getting their shallow hooks into her.
London Calling – The Clash
Similar to Let It Be by The Replacements, you want to carefully introduce your impressionable child to punk music. London Calling is musically excellent, plus it has the advantage of not being so jarring as to make it difficult for your child to nap while its playing in the background.
Chronicle, Vol. 1 – Creedence Clearwater Revival
Everyone that matters loves CCR. Your child should, too.
Pet Sounds – Beach Boys
Baroque pop is a must. As such, you may as well introduce your newborn to the best that the sub-genre has to offer. Later, when she’s older, you can fold in Sgt. Pepper’s and The Kinks Are the Village Green Preservation Society.
Surfer’s Choice – Dick Dale and his Del-tones
Many consider Surfer’s Choice a proto-metal album, if not the proto-metal album. This may be the one album on the list that may cause problems during nap time, but it’s worth it. Laying the seeds for despising American Girl Dolls the mall culture will pay dividends down the road.
Modern Sounds in Country and Western Music – Ray Charles
Bro country has become ubiquitous in pop culture. As great as Johnny Cash is, you may want to push extra hard against the depraved hijacking of one of America’s great cultural musical expressions. Modern Sounds in Country and Western Music is one of the greatest albums of all time. Enough Ray Charles, and your daughter will turn her nose up at the first offensive sound of Sam Hunt.
Lady Sings the Blues – Billie Holiday
In the future, while her classmates assert the vocal superiority of whatever auto-tuned pop diva sits atop the charts in 2031, your daughter will smirk and think to herself, “I’m so thankful that my parents played Billie Holiday while I was napping in my crib. My parents are awesome! They’re the best! I will never make them spend their twilight years in nursing home; they will live with me. Oh, and I’ve changed my mind about getting that face tattoo.”